Lettuce Head Photo E-Fit Re-enactment (2010)

Here is a transcript of what I image happened:

MR LETTUCE HEAD – “Oy love, giv us yer bag”
OLD LADY – On no, please don’t stab me Mr Lettuce Head – have what you will from me
MR LETTUCE HEAD – Sorry luv, nothing personal.  But society is to blame.  It’s my lettuce head see, nobody will employ a man with a vegetable for hair these days.  It’s all those Eastern Europeans you see.

THE STRANGEST NEWS STORY TODAY

Ello Ello Ello!  What have we here then?

Why it’s a man with a lettuce head.

Today, my eyes were instantly fixated by a rather special sounding headline on the BBC homepage, the title of which was: Hampshire police release lettuce e-fit suspect.  My clicking finger could not resist, I had to investigate what this was all about.

The basic premise is that Hampshire police admitted having technical issues, when they re-leased an e-fit of a man who robbed an old lady of £60.  The technical issue was that the suspect looked much like he was wearing a lettuce on his head.  That’s amazing, I wish I was a Mr Lettuce Head and I would almost welcome being robbed by someone who was lettuce headed.

Anyway, after reading the story, I realised it wasn’t actually as exciting as it sounded and it certainly wasn’t as funny as the headline suggested – but the e-fit picture was quite special!

Arounds about the same time, I was made aware of a new blog – the author of which is my new hero.  The Blog, Hyperbole and a Half is very special indeed and must be seen to be believed.  I urge you to check it out!  I only wish I had the skills to produce such work.

So, combine the funny story on the BBC, the amazingly odd E-fit picture, the inspiration of Hyperbole and a Half and my own personal love of doing rather half baked cartoon drawings…and what-da-ya-get?  You get an e-fit re-enactment that’s what!

My thought process was much like this:

1) I like funny and crudely drawn cartoons.  I should do one to represent this story.
2) Perhaps I should use the actual E-fit image, that would be funny.
3) In that case, could I create one of my cartoons in Photoshop? I know my drawing skills are poor and so result in comedy cartoons, but can my Photoshop skills mirror this style?
4) Why do the police only create an e-fit of a face?  What they need to do is create a recreation of the crime.  Much like Crimewatch, but in cartoon form with badly styled likenesses of the criminals.

So here you have it, my first E-fit re-enactment.  I should like to formally offer my services to the police.  Should you wish to hire me to help you get criminals, I am always  on hand!!!  Although given my rants on Ourworldmyeye against society and about the over inflated terror fear, I suspect that call may not come!

I thank you.

Always read the instructions!

What is it about human nature, especially male human nature – that makes us inclined to decide we can do anything without taking heed of the advice, guidance or instructions available to us.

Get a new electronic device – read the instructions?  Bollocks.  Fiddle with every button and work it out for yourself!  Its obviously a far more productive approach!

The same goes for the hell that is flat pack.  I hate flat pack, its rubbish.  Fair enough, your higher end products or ones that are actually designed with the user in mind are a useful device for those of us with no money and clearly defined furniture needs.  But in general, when any other form of furniture is available – that other form should be used!

A DAY IN MY FLAT PACK LIFE

So the importance of reading instructions was recently thrust upon me once again.  I am sure this lesson has been taught to me by numerous balls ups in the past…but yet again the ‘more haste less speed’ brigade rears their ugly heads.

We were visiting Hannah’s brother the other week and they were in the middle of a lounge re-fit, which, for  their sins, included some new flat pack units.  Keen to get the room finished, Dan decided to make the TV stand in a 2 hour break he had between work shifts.  Being a good guest I naturally agreed to step in and assist (plus I thought it might be fun as flat pack is a bit like a huge, badly cut jigsaw).

The first thing to come out the box was the note above – it clearly encouraged us to stop and look at the instructions.  Red always means danger.  The problem we faced was having a very short amount of time to knock the beast up in, as well as a small space in the kitchen to do it.  Plus, as Dan had recently done a fair bit of flat pack, he was confident that he could figure it out easily enough and smash the estimated build time of 2 hours.

We set to work.  It was going amazingly.  Smoke came from our screwdrivers, sweat fell from our brows.  Instructions were glanced at now and again to ensure compliance – but sheer male determination and knowing best was the ruler of the day.

The beast was quickly taking shape and looking like a triumph.  We gazed upwards – a glisten in our eye as we imagined the rapturous applause that would wait us when we finally unveiled the construction to the budding family next door.

A few cups of tea later and we had only a few screws more to put in and we would be done.  The timer was showing at just shy of 1 hour 10 – the estimated build time fucked on.  Victory, sweet victory was in sight.

IS IT MEANT TO BE THAT WAY UP?

Always Read the Manual (2009)

FACT - FEMALE MP'S (2009)

FACT – IN THE 2005 ELECTIONS, ONLY 19.7% OF ELECTED MP’S WERE WOMEN

Do we wonder if that has anything to do with why things are so shit?

beckham_in_la_home_tile (from Sharpie.com website)

A DEDICATION TO HANNAH

Here is the background which will help explain my thoughts about the humble Sharpie – king of pens.

So the other week, Hannah and I popped into American Apparel in Brighton to exchange a T-shirt which wasn’t up to par.  A simple exchange, nothing complicated.

“Can I interest you in a Sharpie?”

Our eyes darted to the glistening glass fronted cabinet upon which the till of commercialism stood.  There, hiding beneath the protective barrier were rows upon rows of the much fabled Sharpie pens.  I believe we both looked at the pens, then at the serving lady, then at the pens and then at each other – before firmly, but politely rejecting the offer.

On leaving the shop we puzzled over why;
A) American Apparel were selling pens,
B) Why they were routinely offering them to all customers as though you are bound to suddenly desire an overpriced pen whilst you are paying for your overpriced fluorescent hot pants and
C) why people are so obsessed what is essentially a glorified marker pen.

Ode To A Sharpie (2009)

UNCAP WHATS INSIDE

FACT - USA LOVES SPAM (2009)

FACT – THE UNITED STATES IS RESPONSIBLE FOR 22.5% OF GLOBAL SPAM.

Hell Is Other People (2009)

THE LOTTERY IS A CON

So the first part of the Hair-brained money raising campaign has been and gone and I have failed miserably in my initial quest to raise the dream amount of £220 to get my colouring pencils and new camera lens.  Let alone winning the £3000 dream target that would buy me all my dream possessions in the world.

So, in conclusion, the Lotto is a fix, a sham, a con and a farse.  My system was fool proof.  So fool proof that I reckon a fool must have won.  I managed to get 1 number in Saturday’s draw and that was it AND I had to endure watching 30 minutes of lottery coverage, hosted by the world’s most annoying presented Scott Mills, just to know I hadn’t won!

What are you going to do?

Move onwards and upwards that’s what – I reckon with a bit of thought my next money raising plan can be implemented pronto – watch this space.

THE TOTALOMETER

I thought it might help everyone to have a graph to chart the progress of the money raising campaign.

Therefore, to your left, you will find a graphical illustration of where we are at so far.  On the left axis, we are looking at money raised.  On the bottom access, attempts to raise money.

As we can extrapolate from this – at first, I had nothing or “£0″ as I like to call it.  Then, after attempt 1 at raising cash, I had a deficit of 2 pounds or “-£2″ as I like to call it.

Therefore, we can clearly see that spending £2 on Lotto tickets was a mistake and now I have to raise £222 instead of £220.  Live and learn.

JEAN-PAUL SARTRE

This quote by Jean-Paul Sartre struck a cord with me for two reasons:

1. Other people won the lottery and stole my £2 from me.  Say no more
2. I was listening to the news and they were interviewing an artist who has introduced a book of quotes to the London Underground.  The idea is that the tube drivers occasionally throw in an interesting or inspiring quote into their announcements to jolly up all the commuters in London town.  When the news presenter asked him for an appropriate quote for a busy, crowded tube journey – he  stated this one by Jean-Paul Satre. 
   At that exact moment, the lovely Hannah Copcutt stated that it was probably my perfect quote!

I thought on and realised that the fact I could ascertain from this statement is that I am a grumpy man who hates the general public, perhaps feeling absolute solitude would provide a more pleasant living environment.

Its true – unless they have big redbeards and strange angled eyes.