Hell Is Other People (2009)

THE LOTTERY IS A CON

So the first part of the Hair-brained money raising campaign has been and gone and I have failed miserably in my initial quest to raise the dream amount of £220 to get my colouring pencils and new camera lens.  Let alone winning the £3000 dream target that would buy me all my dream possessions in the world.

So, in conclusion, the Lotto is a fix, a sham, a con and a farse.  My system was fool proof.  So fool proof that I reckon a fool must have won.  I managed to get 1 number in Saturday’s draw and that was it AND I had to endure watching 30 minutes of lottery coverage, hosted by the world’s most annoying presented Scott Mills, just to know I hadn’t won!

What are you going to do?

Move onwards and upwards that’s what – I reckon with a bit of thought my next money raising plan can be implemented pronto – watch this space.

THE TOTALOMETER

I thought it might help everyone to have a graph to chart the progress of the money raising campaign.

Therefore, to your left, you will find a graphical illustration of where we are at so far.  On the left axis, we are looking at money raised.  On the bottom access, attempts to raise money.

As we can extrapolate from this – at first, I had nothing or “£0″ as I like to call it.  Then, after attempt 1 at raising cash, I had a deficit of 2 pounds or “-£2″ as I like to call it.

Therefore, we can clearly see that spending £2 on Lotto tickets was a mistake and now I have to raise £222 instead of £220.  Live and learn.

JEAN-PAUL SARTRE

This quote by Jean-Paul Sartre struck a cord with me for two reasons:

1. Other people won the lottery and stole my £2 from me.  Say no more
2. I was listening to the news and they were interviewing an artist who has introduced a book of quotes to the London Underground.  The idea is that the tube drivers occasionally throw in an interesting or inspiring quote into their announcements to jolly up all the commuters in London town.  When the news presenter asked him for an appropriate quote for a busy, crowded tube journey – he  stated this one by Jean-Paul Satre. 
   At that exact moment, the lovely Hannah Copcutt stated that it was probably my perfect quote!

I thought on and realised that the fact I could ascertain from this statement is that I am a grumpy man who hates the general public, perhaps feeling absolute solitude would provide a more pleasant living environment.

Its true – unless they have big redbeards and strange angled eyes.

I'm going to win the Lottery (2009)

I’M GOING TO WIN THE LOTTERY

Hello there recession worriers.  Times are tight for one an all – even bankers and politicians.  However, for us mere mortals, the pressure is no doubt being felt heavier than most.

As you will remember from my previous posts of woe, I had a chain of disastrous events which left me computer-less, blog-less and camera-less.  After scratching together what little spare cash I had, I managed to become computer-full and blog-full…but I am left without my digital SLR.

The lens I want (to replace the smashed one) is going to cost several hundred pounds second hand.  That’s more spare money than I can put by in months.  So I was left pondering what to do about my situation.

“What I need, is a quick buck”

Thought I

“What I need, is a hair-brained money raising campaign”

Of course, this isn’t just about getting a new lens so I can re-enter the world of digital photography again and therefore quick and easy blogging.  There is a small shopping list of items I need (want).  Here we go (in no particular order):

• New 18 – 135mm lens for my Nikon D80
• A nice set of colouring in pencils
• A new tent
• A new stove for my tent
• A new set of Technics (my brother stole my previous ones)
• A new set of speakers (my brother stole my previous ones)
• A Citroen C15 Romahome
• A new printer – preferably better than the crap I always buy, which amazingly always seems to break after 6 months minimal usage

I think that’s it.  As you can see, the list has some larger and some smaller items in it.  I guess for all the items, I would need to raise lets say £3000 from hair-brained schemes.

That’s very unlikely.  So, priorities are the lens and the colouring pencils.  That, fans, makes our fundraising aim to be around £220.  Still a lot of money, but perhaps more achievable.

So…after deciding that setting up a campaign was the way to solve my issues, it was the small matter of what hair-brained ideas should be implemented to make my dreams come true.

Therefore, for an undefined period of time, I shall be charting the progress on this humble blog, of my results.  Expect tears, joy, sunshine and rain in the posts to follow.

So, without further a do – lets begin.

THE BACKWARD THINKING LOTTERY EXPERIMENT

Almost without question, my first scheme was to play the Lottery (or Lotto as it was re-branded.  Why?  nobody knows, probably to make it sound more hip, hop and down with the kids.  Perhaps they had an image crisis).

The Lotto is many people’s weekly bastion of hope and misery all rolled into one.  I am not sure I have ever played it before, maybe once, ten years ago – when it first started.  So it was with excitement and trepidation I took this step.

As we all know, many people have systems for picking their numbers – be it superstition, some infallible  system bought for a fiver of e-bay or simply a random selection of the numbers they like on any given day.

RUBBISH – what we need here is to apply some basic logic to proceedings.

So that was my game plan, to enter the Lotto once (well twice actually, but one for the midweek draw and one for the weekend draw…crucially, with the same numbers).  It’s an all or nothing approach.

I also needed a winning system to choose the numbers as I am the most indecisive person I know.  It takes me 10 minutes to decide which sweets to buy, let alone pick 6 numbers that could net me millions.

Then it struck me – the backward hair-brained logic I needed to be a winner.  The system goes something like this:

1. All numbers in the lottery have an equal chance of being picked each week
2. Therefore over time and at one unpredictable point in the future, all the numbers should have been picked the exact same number of times
3. Ergo, if I pick the 6 numbers which, in the history of the Lotto (nee Lottery) have been drawn the least times – I stand the best chance of winning

This makes perfect sense.  Those numbers drawn the least times MUST be due to come around soon so that the universe will balance itself out.

LOTTO POST IT

THE WINNING NUMBERS

I hopped onto the Internet, and within literally minutes I had found all the Lotto stats I could desire and I knew the 6 numbers which had been drawn the least number of times – the winning numbers.

Not wanting to take a chance, I scribbled the numbers down and popped to the newsagents – hey presto, one ticket.

One lucky, logical, winning ticket.

So now it’s just a waiting game.  Draw 1 is tomorrow, draw 2 is Saturday.  Who knows, perhaps I will win twice over!

Remember – You’ve got to be in it to win it!!!